Insights into the Mind

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Think about the last time a close friend called you in tears, convinced they had ruined everything, that they were stupid, worthless, fundamentally not enough. I’d guess you didn’t agree with them. You probably offered perspective, reminded them of their worth, and told them to stop being so hard on themselves. Now think about the last time you made a mistake, felt overwhelmed, or fell short of your own expectations. Did you extend yourself the same patience? If you’re anything like me, absolutely not. Understanding the power of self compassion — and actually practising it — might be one of the most meaningful things you do for your mental health.

Why We’re So Much Harsher on Ourselves Than on the People We Love

When I was going through the worst of my anxiety — the period in my mid-twenties when I was having panic attacks I didn’t yet have a name for — my inner critic was absolutely relentless. Every attack was followed by a wave of shame. Why can’t you just calm down? What’s wrong with you? You’re falling apart over nothing. It took me a long time (and a lot of reading, and eventually some proper support from a therapist) to understand that this self-critical spiral was making everything worse, not better.

There’s a reason so many of us default to self-criticism. From early on, a lot of us absorb the message that being hard on yourself is how you stay motivated — that if you let yourself off the hook, you’ll become lazy or complacent. But research doesn’t actually support this. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, who has spent decades studying self-compassion, has found consistently that self-criticism is associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, and fear of failure — not lower ones. Treating yourself harshly doesn’t make you perform better. It just makes you feel worse while you try.

Something I’ve noticed in myself and in conversations I’ve had with other people navigating mental health difficulties: the voice we use on ourselves tends to be one we would never accept from a stranger, let alone a friend. We’d find it cruel. And yet we let it run on repeat in our own heads, often without even questioning whether it’s true.

What Self-Compassion Actually Is (And What It Isn’t)

Before we go further, I want to clear something up, because I think this misconception stops a lot of people from even trying. Self-compassion is not self-pity. It’s not making excuses for yourself, lowering your standards, or wallowing. Dr. Neff describes it as having three core components: self-kindness (treating yourself with warmth rather than harsh judgement), common humanity (recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, not a personal failing), and mindfulness (holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them or suppressing them).

That third one — mindfulness — is where a lot of people trip up, including me. When I was in the thick of anxiety, I had two modes: either catastrophising obsessively about everything I was feeling, or trying to push it all down and pretend I was fine. Neither of those is self-compassionate. Mindfulness in this context simply means acknowledging that you’re struggling, without adding a layer of judgement on top. This is hard. I’m having a difficult time. That’s it. No drama, no denial.

If you want to explore this framework in depth, Dr. Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is genuinely one of the most useful things I’ve ever read on the subject. It’s evidence-based, readable, and there’s no toxic positivity in sight — just clear, honest exploration of why this matters and how to actually do it.

Practical Ways to Start Practising Self-Compassion

I want to be realistic here: this isn’t something you read about once and then magically have. It’s a practice — something you build slowly, and imperfectly, over time. Here are some of the things that have genuinely helped me, and that are backed by solid research.

Talk to Yourself the Way You’d Talk to a Friend

This sounds almost embarrassingly simple, but try it. When you catch yourself in a self-critical spiral, pause and ask: if my best friend told me they were going through exactly what I’m going through right now, what would I say to them? Then say that to yourself. Write it down if it helps. The gap between what we’d say to someone we love and what we say to ourselves is often startling.

Try a Self-Compassion Break

This is an exercise developed by Dr. Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, and it’s one I come back to regularly. When you notice you’re suffering — whether that’s stress, self-criticism, or emotional pain — you work through the three components in the moment. You acknowledge the pain (“this is really hard right now”), remind yourself that struggle is human (“I’m not alone in this”), and offer yourself kindness (“may I be kind to myself in this moment”). It takes about thirty seconds and it’s surprisingly effective.

Use Journalling as a Compassion Tool

Journalling can be a genuinely powerful way to practise self-compassion — but not if you’re using it to ruminate. Structured morning journalling in particular can help you set a kinder tone for your day. I’ve been using the LSW London Morning Notes journal, which is an undated A5 planner with daily prompts including gratitude and self-care exercises — it’s a genuinely lovely way to start the day with intention. If you prefer something with a bit more structure around habit-building, the Morning Sidekick Journal is also excellent for anchoring small, sustainable self-care habits.

Work Through It With a Guided Workbook

Sometimes having prompts and exercises to work through makes an enormous difference — especially if you’re not yet working with a therapist (though if you’re really struggling, I’d always encourage you to explore that option; there’s no substitute for proper professional support). Two workbooks I’d particularly recommend are The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Neff and Dr. Germer — which is essentially the companion workbook to a well-researched therapeutic programme — and The Self-Compassion Workbook, which offers practical exercises for approaching your thoughts and emotions with genuine kindness. Either of these would be a worthwhile place to start.

Pair Self-Compassion With Boundaries

One thing that often gets overlooked in conversations about self-compassion: it isn’t just about how you speak to yourself internally. It also shows up in what you allow. Being kind to yourself sometimes means saying no, protecting your energy, or stepping back from situations that consistently leave you feeling depleted and small. If boundaries are something you find difficult — and from my own experience, they often go hand-in-hand with poor self-compassion — Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab is a brilliant place to start. There’s also an accompanying workbook, The Set Boundaries Workbook, if you prefer something hands-on.

Track Small Acts of Self-Care Without Pressure

Building kinder habits doesn’t have to be complicated. A simple habit tracker can help you stay consistent with small self-compassionate actions — whether that’s five minutes of mindfulness, a short walk, or writing one kind thing about yourself before bed. The Stay on Track Habit Tracker Wall Calendar by ThreeKin Collective is a brilliant low-pressure option for keeping gentle accountability without turning it into another thing to fail at.

The Power of Self Compassion — A Final Thought

I want to be clear: I’m not a therapist, and this post isn’t a substitute for professional support. If you’re in a place where self-criticism has become overwhelming, where anxiety or depression is significantly affecting your daily life, please do consider reaching out to a GP or finding a counsellor or therapist. There’s real help available, and you deserve access to it.

But I do believe — from my own experience, and from everything I’ve read and learned — that the power of self compassion is genuinely transformative. Not as a quick fix. Not as a way of bypassing hard feelings. But as a slow, quiet reorientation toward treating yourself as someone who deserves the same care you so readily extend to the people you love.

You are not the exception to the rule of human kindness. You never were. And if the voice in your head disagrees, that’s exactly why this practice matters.

Take it gently,
Lucy x