Insights into the Mind

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Codependency is one of those patterns that is almost impossible to see when you are living inside it. If you are searching for signs of a codependent relationship right now, some part of you already suspects something is off — and that instinct is worth listening to. From the outside, codependency can look textbook. From the inside, it just feels like love. Or loyalty. Or being a good partner, a good daughter, a good friend. That is exactly what makes it so hard to name.

I want to be upfront before we go any further: I am not a therapist or psychologist. I have a BSc in Psychology from the University of Leeds, a postgrad certificate in Mental Health Communication, and I am a certified Mental Health First Aider. But my interest in this topic is also personal. When I was going through my own period of anxiety in my early twenties, a lot of the groundwork for that anxiety was relational — patterns I had learned early about what love required of me. Untangling that took time, reading, and honestly, proper therapeutic support. So please know that while I can share what I have learned, a good therapist is irreplaceable if this resonates with you.

What Codependency Actually Means

The term “codependency” originated in addiction research — it was first used to describe the dynamics between people with substance use disorders and the people closest to them. But over time, therapists and researchers recognised that the underlying patterns appeared in all kinds of relationships: romantic partnerships, parent-child relationships, friendships, even work dynamics.

At its core, codependency involves an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person — often paired with a compulsive need to be needed in return. Research published in the Mental Health, Religion and Culture journal describes codependency as a dysfunctional pattern of relating characterised by low self-worth, poor boundaries, and a tendency to prioritise others’ needs to the point of self-neglect. Therapists often describe it as a kind of emotional enmeshment, where your identity, mood, and sense of okayness become tightly tied to another person’s state.

What makes it complicated is that many of the behaviours involved — caregiving, self-sacrifice, loyalty — are culturally praised. We do not often hold a celebration for the person who finally said “no” or put themselves first.

The Signs of a Codependent Relationship to Watch For

Something I have noticed, both from my own experience and from reading extensively around this topic, is that codependent patterns rarely feel dramatic in the moment. They feel normal — because often, they are a continuation of what was modelled to us growing up. Here are some of the signs worth reflecting on honestly:

• Your mood is heavily dictated by the other person’s mood. If they are upset, you cannot relax until they are better — regardless of whether you caused it.
• You find it extremely difficult to say no, even when you are exhausted, overwhelmed, or the request feels unreasonable.
• You regularly suppress your own needs, feelings, or opinions to avoid conflict or to keep the other person happy.
• Your sense of self-worth is closely tied to being needed, helpful, or the person who holds things together.
• You feel responsible for managing another person’s emotions — as though their happiness is your job.
• You stay in situations that feel bad because leaving feels unthinkable, disloyal, or like abandonment.
• You lose track of what you actually want, feel, or need — because you have been focused on someone else for so long.

None of these alone necessarily defines codependency, but patterns across several of them — especially if they have been consistent over months or years — are worth taking seriously.

Why It Is So Hard to Recognise from the Inside

I remember reading about codependency for the first time and thinking, “this sounds like just being a caring person.” That reaction, I later came to understand, is part of the pattern itself.

There are a few reasons codependency is particularly hard to self-identify. First, many of these behaviours are rooted in childhood adaptations. If you grew up in a household where a parent was emotionally unpredictable, unwell, or struggling with addiction, learning to monitor their emotional state and respond accordingly was a survival skill. It kept things safer. The problem is that those adaptations do not automatically switch off in adulthood — they just transfer to new relationships.

Second, codependent behaviour is often reinforced positively. You are told you are selfless, devoted, patient, reliable. The feedback loop rewards the pattern. It does not feel like a problem — it feels like a personality trait you should be proud of.

Third — and this is the one I found hardest to sit with — there can be genuine love in a codependent relationship. The feelings are real. The connection is real. That does not make the dynamic healthy, but it does make it much harder to hold both truths at once.

If any of this is hitting close to home, a structured workbook can be a really helpful starting point for reflection. I would recommend the Codependency Recovery Workbook: Step-by-Step Guide to Overcome Fear of Abandonment, Stop People Pleasing, Set Strong Boundaries, and Develop Healthy Relationships by Restoring Self-Worth & Self-Love — it is practical, accessible, and takes you through the patterns step by step. Similarly, The Codependency Healing Workbook: A Comprehensive Guide For Restoring Self-Worth, Breaking Free From Unhealthy Relationships, And Setting Healthy Boundaries is thorough and grounded in trauma-aware approaches.

The Role of Boundaries — And Why They Feel So Threatening

When you first start reading about codependency, the word “boundaries” appears everywhere. And for good reason — poor or absent boundaries are central to most codependent patterns. But what nobody tells you early on is that setting a boundary, when you have not done so for a long time, can feel genuinely terrifying. Not just uncomfortable. Terrifying.

If your sense of security in a relationship has been built on being endlessly accommodating, saying “no” or “I need something different” can feel like you are threatening the entire relationship. Research in attachment theory supports this — people with anxious attachment styles (which are common in codependency) experience boundary-setting as a threat to connection, not as a healthy assertion of self.

A few books that have genuinely helped people I know work through this: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Tawwab is one of the most practical and compassionate books on this topic I have come across — widely recommended by therapists and readers alike. The classic Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life is also well worth having on your shelf if you are working through these patterns.

If the codependency in your life is rooted in family dynamics specifically — which it often is — Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut and Setting Boundaries for Survival: Navigate Toxic Family Dynamics, Reclaim Your Peace, and Live on Your Terms are both thoughtful, grounded reads. And if sibling relationships are part of your story, Toxic Siblings: An Adult Survivor’s Guide to Setting Boundaries with Toxic Family Members and Choosing Peace addresses that particular dynamic with real nuance.

For a workbook that also unpacks the myths people carry about codependency, The Codependency Recovery Workbook: How to Create Healthy Relationships, Stop People Pleasing and Overcome the Fear of Abandonment is particularly useful — the section on debunked myths alone is worth the read.

Recognising the Signs of a Codependent Relationship Is the First Step — Not the Last

If you have read this far and felt a quiet recognition at any point, I want you to know that noticing is not nothing. In fact, for many people, naming what has been happening is the hardest part. Codependency tends to thrive in silence and in the language of love and devotion — so simply calling it what it is takes real courage.

That said, I genuinely believe that workbooks and reading — as helpful as they are — work best alongside proper support. If you are in the UK, you can access talking therapies through the NHS via your GP, or find a therapist through BACP (the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy). If you are elsewhere, Psychology Today’s therapist finder is a good starting point. A therapist who works with relational patterns or attachment can make an enormous difference.

You do not have to choose between caring about people and caring about yourself. That is one of the biggest lies codependency tells you — that your needs are in competition with love. They are not. Recognising the patterns is not a betrayal of the people you love. It is, slowly and sometimes painfully, a return to yourself.

You deserve relationships where you do not have to disappear to be loved.

With care,
Lucy x